Honest Reflections

What a year this has been!  It appears that the Lord and I have been walking together through a deep valley.  Thank God that through this journey His company has been my constant companion.  Even though He is with me; the enemy has been throwing   darts and arrows.  They, unfortunately, hit their intended target causing doubt, loss of joy, fear, tears, and a sense of hopelessness, and helplessness. 

How can this be since, He has been with me?  I shake my head at what a poor testimony this has caused.  Much like the Israelites walking through the wilderness, I, too, felt like complaining, murmuring, feeling sorry for myself were coupled with guilt, discuss with myself, a sense I deserved this for some of my decisions which has caused financial havoc.  Because, I allowed myself to fall into this pit of despair, the enemy brought back past mistakes,, and sins.  All of this garbage I know, and believe has been forgiven, and covered under the blood of Christ.  I permitted this barrage of attacks.  Why?  Possibly, self-punishment, not forgiving myself, and still feeling guilty.  I now I had confessed theses sins, plus knowing that they are forgiven in Christ, so why did I fall pray to the enemies taunts?  When one goes through a year of injuries, financial distress, and the reality that the body is wearing out, and in need of expensive medical attention where the load is so heavy and burdened by past guilt of not being a good steward of God's funds you fold under its weight.  That guilt and shame of poor stewardship opened the door for the enemy to attack. 

Much like Ha-mas who attacks the unprotected childern and civilians , the enemy attacks the most vulnerable positions, my children, past sins(even though they are forgiven), and guilt over the lack of wisdom i my finances.  I now nothing is out of God's control, and ;like Job, I will continue to praise Him regardless of my feelings, and circumstances.  There is NOTHING my God cannot due to help His children.

Going back to Romans 12:1-2; my mind must be transformed through His Word.  No one is able to change their past mistakes, or poor stewardship, but we can by an act of will, chose to believe  His truth a, and promises.  When ones vision goes array and you go to the ophthalmologist for help; now our inner view must change, and will with God's help through the Word and holding onto His promises.  Eventually, one gets sick, and tired of being down, and out.  It is time to bow to the Lord, cry out to Him, confess your self-pity and the sin of not seeing His strength, and victory to overcome these attacks.  For, He has defeated the enemy!    My weak point was feelings of guilt over my finances, thus making myself an open target.  Now however, it is time to come before my Lord, repent, and confess my sins, and transgressions,  Accept His forgiveness, and stop wallowing in self recrimination, and start walking, acting and, testify of His goodness, grace and wonderful companionship.  Thank God for His Son, and the Holy Spirit who opens our hearts, and minds to His truth!   He has set me free from the bondage of guilt and shame.  Like Paul, I am a prisoner of Christ, no longer bound by past mistakes, poor decisions, and poor judgements about my finances.  Now, it is time for a new begging in all areas of my life. The challenge is to seek His wisdom on how to deal with and meet the future demands on my finances.  With His help, this will be taken care of, and I will make wiser decisions, and choices.  In a booklet that I am reading the author spoke to my heart with this though, "doubt your doubts and believe our beliefs."  For, "Unless whatever is in us  that which is above us, we will soon yield to that which is around us."

God is kind, He embraces His children, and His answers are gentle. His wisdom to characterize our lives.  In James 1, wisdom is a picture of a lavish banquet table, with ever kind of delicacy we might enjoy.  Overflowing, s pilling out in abundance--this is how God wants His wisdom to characterize our lives. 
I searched for a financial answer, focusing on money.  Wrong focus, I need to focus on Christ, like Peter when he walked on the water.  When both {Peter and I looked around to our circumstances what we saw was waves of insurmountable danger, that was about to overcome us.  Satan wants our eyes fixed on the threatening waves of a raging sea, rather than ton Him who can not only clam the sea, but resolve all of our problems,through His wisdom and strength.

I have counseled many over the years, encouraging them to hold onto His promises, now He has allowed me the magnificent opportunity to face, whether or not, I believe and trust them or not.  I chose to trust and believe.

Lord help my unbelief and give me your wisdom on how to deal with the situation I am in (finances,impending surgery causing more financial issues), for I have no solution or wisdom of my own.  Lord, I trust your Word  and its' promises but I need your Wisdom from above so that all my needs will be met.  Come ,walk by my side, hold my hand that I will not succomb, to seeing only the circumstances,  but with fixed eyes on You the enemies attempts to attack with his fiery arrows, will not find another opening, in my armor, to hit.