Tomorrow starts the new year starts tomorrow. But, what a year 2013 has been. It all began in January the twenty second, to be exact. My left knee had been buckling for several years and the pain, at time, was excruciating and debilitating. My doctor referred me a orthopedic specialist who suggested that at this time knee surgery was the best option. Surgery went well, and I was released on my second day. Unfortunately, my insurance would not allow me to go to a rehabilitation place. So, thanks to my friends and church family, I had good care. Chris, came for two weeks to clean the house, help me bath, and make sure I ate. The first two nights at home a couple of college girls spent the night with me just to make sure I didn't fall when I got out of bed. My church family supplied dinners for me for two weeks, what a blessing they all were. Another friend supplied a walker, another a bathtub bench, another an ice machine. All was greatly appreciated, but that ice machine was a god send. I used it 24/7 for about six week, then gradually weaned off of it after another three months. The following weeks went well until my sixth week. The doctor removed my stitches, but there was a gap in a couple of spots on the incision, She used a liquid adhesive and somehow she left two stitches in. Unfortunately, I had a bad reaction to both. An infection along with a toxic reaction ensued. It took two different medications, and a wonderful physical therapist put me back on a road to good health. God is so good, during my recovery He was ever present through His Word, His people, and music. Looking back over this year, their were many challenges and many blessings. My surgery and recovery was a challenge. But the blessings out weighed them, from Kim offering to clean my place once every two weeks at no charge. Friends walked my dog, cards and phone calls offering love and prayers, visits from friends were encouraging, and uplifting. One of the lasting negatives that came out of this was a shortness of breath that would not let up regardless of what I did to alleviate it. As it turned out that too was a blessing for I found out that I have COPD, emphysema, sleep apnea, and possibly an asbestos problem. Again, a blessing in disguise. A friend loaned me her CPAP machine which I need to get re-calibrated, and a different head nose piece, but for a few days I had the best sleep for a long time. How many times do you and I accept the status quo rather than finding out the cause of the issue? It does not matter whether it is a relationship, physical, or our spiritual condition there is a answer and solution. We must be open to see it, and seek out the answers. God wants to guide us in every area of our life regardless of the cause. He is so loving, forgiving, willing to aid us in every area. I think, at least for me, being independent is a curse that keeps me from totally relying on Him! It is an ongoing time of releasing this and exchange it for dependency on Him. Our human nature, life experiences, the enemy of our soul all work to cause a separation from the One who loves us the most, wants our best, but cannot violate His character even for us. He didn't do it for His Beloved Son, and I am not an exception. Neither are you! We must release our very lives to Him, in all aspects. Trust is not easy to come too, but we must if we are to live a victorious life, abundant in Him. But this year has been a time of putting it all in His Hands, knowing I am unable to live a life pleasing Him until I do. Well that was the beginning of 2013.
For those who know me can attest, I have always had financial problems. I think it began when I was a child, I spent whatever I earned or was given. Unfortunately, that aspect of my training was not just absent, it was absent. My mom knew how to make the Indian on the nickel jump, this trait was sorely lacking in my life. Worse yet, it was never brought to my attention. Moral of the story: learning to handle finances has to be taught, not caught. To add to this inability to handle funds properly, I discovered during my masters program, that I have what is termed ADHD. I still do not totally understand why having ADHD causes or exacerbates a persons ability to handle finances wisely. Some might think, this is using this disorder as an excuse, but it is not. It is like trying to tame a whirlwind.
I decided to attend Dave Ramsey's program and subsequent materials, and had some success. Not as much as I or others would have like though. I was on a two year journey, my debts would be paid off if I stayed on my course. However, as fate would have it, my two part time jobs, which were 2/3 of my income ended abruptly. This sent my finances into a tail spin from which I am still trying to put in order.
For those who do not understand the problems that accompany the ADHD disorder there are several behavioral traits that can cause havoc in the lives of those afflicted. Anger, depression, spontaneity, outburst, mishandling of funds, to name a few which I have had to deal with. This disorder is nuero-biological disorder. It is also viewed as a learning disability as well because our processing of information is so different, whole our attention span equals that of a gnat. Having your brain running at the speed of light with multitudes of thoughts running a race which creates more havoc. In my era this disorder was not known, you were just labeled as a problem child who could not sit still, forever interrupting the class with a question, thought, or trying to answer the teachers question. I was not necessarily a special needs child, just uncontrollable. When know that no two children are alike who have this diagnosis. Now, many years later we know that each child with this disorder has varying degrees of symptoms, and may not demonstrate all the symptoms. Each child I have learned needs to be trained to train themselves, which can be a daunting task for parents and teachers. Unfortunately, I was in my late fifties, when diagnosed during my masters program. Once diagnosed, the pieces fell into place. Adding to this diagnosis was the fact that I had suffered a major head trauma as a child which caused a crack in my cranium, and led to my brain swelling. School was difficult growing up, now I understand why. But apparently this did not take our God by surprise, because He kept me alive. I had night terrors for a couple of years, and was ridiculed, teased, and taunted by classmates regarding the scar that ran from my eyebrow down my nose to my lower lip. Children can be cruel, and have no idea the impact or long lasting effect of their cruelty. But also adults who lack understanding and would rather judge versus accept those of us as we are, we do not fit a mold and that causes others to be uncomfortable. But put all of this together with ADHD, head trauma, and the insecurity which embeds itself in your psyche. Even today the effects still have some effect on me. However, the Lord, and His Word along with understanding all of these potential negative effects has brought healing, and freedom from the captivity of these adverse realities. Learning there are some things I can change or at least manage is freeing and reassuring.
Many people still are unable to understand my idiosyncrasies. The hardest of these is my lack of control over over talking, an occasional vocal outburst, and interrupting someone who is talking. It is embarrassing, and I get angry at myself, but have little control over these. What I have discovered is that in order to be socially acceptable, I need to disengage. For instance when in church I usually try to sit in front so I am not distracted by my surroundings. However, I enter in mentally and emotionally with the sermon. This results in me verbally agreeing with statements through an occasional "Amen". At times this term can become loud, which I admit can be distracting and can even offend the one preaching. This has caused my being reprimanded twice that I recall. Once during a Bible Study, and recently in church. The result is now I sit in the back desiring being distracted, and reading the scriptures and looking up words in the concordance as means of controlling my outspokenness. As a result, I no longer attend the Bible Study or attend group meetings. I know no other way to not be offensive or disruptive to some. What has transpired within my heart is feeling crushed in spirit. Hurt and anger were by-products which I am constantly trying to yield to the Lord. However, the sad thing for me is the lack of respect I have for those who spoke to me. I love them, but do not trust or respect them due to their lack of understanding. My former pastor, never put me down, but embraced my uniqueness. For he knew my vocalizing was only in agreement with what he was saying. To the best of my knowledge, only three men were bothered possibly because they are uncomfortable with display of emotions. Either way, it is in the Lord's hands.
When I was let go from my position at the church, it was a financial hit, and I am still attempting to get out of debt. If I had been able to work another two years, I could have been debt free. But that was not the case. In February, I had a major shock. Back in 1998 my aunt died. leaving a cousin as sole beneficiary. Never gave it another thought. Then one day I received a call from his sister sharing that when her brother died, my cousin, there were four life insurance policies which my aunt had purchased one in my name, the others were in other nephews names, but he had left them to his children. The catch is I needed to sign them over to them. I said sure, and received the paperwork which I did not understand. So, I have a dear friend who is an attorney. I called him, and he said he would help me fill them out. Once I was at his office he had me explain the event leading to this. He wanted to investigate, as when my aunt died these policies were legally ours not my cousins, and he had not handled them correctly, as her executor. Anyway, what transpired was that I received half the amount of the policy which allowed me to pay off my mobile home. What a blessing, totally out of the blue, except to my Lord. What was meant to be an fraudulent act, God used for His owns child's benefit.
The rest of this year has had its' up and downs. Beginning with my previous pastor being diagnosed with acute leukemia. There are four types, and he he has the worse. There are two of the bad types, and his is the worse of the two on top of that he has a large aneurysm which at this point is inoperable. He has had three rounds of chemo, and God is using him even in this situation to touch many lives and has been able to witness to the staff and doctors about the love and grace of our Lord. Pastor is a walking miracle! To God be the glory for he still preaches too.
To add to this a very dear friend and former boss also has cancer and is not doing real well. Another is being attended to by hospice at this time. It seems as you draw closer to closing your eyes on this side of heaven, the loss of those one lives, seems to hit one a little harder. Maybe because it is a reminder that no matter how much we want to be home with the Lord, our time draws nearer, and for whatever reason we hold onto this life. But this I do know, it appears that there is a sense of an awareness when our time is close. My husband knew that his time was close two weeks prior to his passing. God must have somehow started to prepare him for up until then he fought to live. Then, one day a peace replaced that drive to live, and he surrendered.
Well on a lighter note, I have been asked about writing another book. I have the title, and it will be somewhat different from my first. But sense it will encourage and challenge many in their walk with the Lord. However, I needed a computer as my tablet is just not efficient enough. So, I just bought one, band a dear firmer student set it up for me yesterday. Was it wise to buy it on tine? I am not sure. Did I step out of God's will or timing? Again, I am not sure, but time will tell. I do not have the funds to publish this one, so maybe it will happen after I go home, but it is all in His Hands. Or perhaps I will just give it to people. My first book I have donated to ministries to encourage women. God knows, the best I can do is go with what I know and leave the rest in His care. She, too, is widow. Transitions still remain difficult whether its a death, change in relationships, or just the lack of proximity to loved ones.
I had the sweet privilege of being contacted by an old school chum, and student all within a few weeks of each other. What a joy! My old friend accepted Christ about seven years ago. So, much to look forward to in eternity.
Some widows in my church have started a widows social group. It has been enjoyable to get better acquainted with these ladies. We have had a couple of outings so far, and a sing-a-long of Christmas songs. Unfortunately, I have been battling a sinus infection, headaches, coughing, and overall feeling lousy, so was unable to attend. My oldest girl was in a car wreck , and has been fighting a burst T12 vertabrae. She will find out this coming week if surgery is needed or if the back brace is doing its job. My youngest girl also has had a rough year with a sinus surgery, which seems not to be all that successful. All in all, I will be grateful to see this year end! Even though I can praise my Lord, and be thankful this last twelve months have taken their toll. Having said all this, God never grows weary, but loves us with an everlasting love, before the world was ever created! What a truth to ponder on. Jeremiah 31:3. We may find ourselves down, but not disheartened when it comes to the Lord. This world is fading away, our nation and churches are failing the test of justice and righteousness. These were the same errors that caused Isreal to fall and be disciplined. They forsook their God! But I am responsible for having defeat or victory. It depends on my attitude about these atracks, trials, and testings. God offers His grace, strength, and peace as we go through life's dramas when call in Him. The enemy on the other hand seeks to destroy, distort, discourage, and defeat us if we let him. The choice is ours. I chose to be on my Lord army, which knows no defeat. Joshua said it best, chose this day who you will serve! As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.
I will close with these thoughts regarding Elijah in I Kings 19:1-18. We see him running after a threat came from Jezebel, after God preformed a fatal blow to the priests of Baal. He became discouraged, fearful and maybe he was weary after this long ordeal, we are not told. But rather than go to the Throne Room of God, Elijah retreated, ran to to Mt. Horeb. Satan may have suggested that he retreat inward rather than looking up to God. I think this is one his ploys when we feel threatened or just wornout. We happen to turn inward. Subsequently, when we look inward the enemy attacks us using these arrows self condemnation, inflect painon ourselves, self doubt, and too often we forget that God is on our side. Our gracious God understood Elijhah's frailties of his humanness. Hen we leave God out we lose the perspective of who and what our God is! Rather let us this new year, not run to the mountains, but run to God. To wait on Him, for He meets us at the, point of our need. Like with Elijah, He provided a supernatural way to reassure him. Elihah thought he was the only believer left until God showed him otherwise. Notice God did not yell or tell him he had no faith, instead He understood, and answered him. what sweet compassion, and love did our Father show Elijah, and He will do the same for us.! Like Elijah, let us rest, sleep and listen to Him speaking to us with that sweet, gentle whisper.
Let us enter this new year with great anticipation for what God wants to do in and for our live. That we woukd never lose our perspective regarding Him, that we would embrace His love, not self pity or doubt, about who we are in Him. Let us regard our realtionship with Him primary over all else. Not isolate ourselves when trials, and testing come. But, rather focus on Him so we will listen for His gentle whisper of grace, love, reassurance and direction. Anticipating that, like He did for Elijah, He will do for us. He will provide supernaturally for whatever we are going through. Expect the unexpected, for He answers us in His way, and time. Happy New Year, may we be ready to meet all that will be required of us for His glory. Marantha!
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