Listening, pondering on events that have transpired over the last few weeks needed a word from the Lord for answers.
Was Esther in God's Providence when she became queen? I believe so, Who would think that allowed the Jewish girl to become queen of a pagan king. Yet, God knew the heart of Haman a hater of the Jews. He also knew that the faithfulness of Mordecai would be a throne in Haman's side. For Mordecai would not bow the knee to anyone whether he be the king, the king's second man or another human being; bowing only to God regardless of the circumstances or cost.
Have you ever noticed that previous even though you worked through a hard circumstance and forgave those who hurt you with actions and words, but now your spirit is more sensitive? The old adage: "Once burnt, twice shy," is where I am finding myself. I find myself there this last week. Lord, you know that I love my girls and my friends as well as those I have chosen to love, but this also makes me more vulnerable to the enemy of my soul. Certain past events impacted my soul as to now cause me to second guess my worth and value to my home church. If not, where do I belong?
In Isaiah 43 it talks about going through the fire. Well, that is where I am at! I know He is with me; wants the best for me; pruning and honing me into Chrislikesness, but questions remain..
Was it God's providence that someone yelled at me which caused me to be embarrassed, and singled out. It was awkward to say the least as you are sitting with a group of people, which brought about a question whether I am still being judged because of a previous situation . This brought me to my knees and broke my heart. That situation, God knows, caused me to doubt and question my ability to serve Him and His people.
That is the background of where I am right now. My spiritual gift is exhortation and the Lord lead me to school me to school and I became a counselor. Not, based on psychology, but the Bible and our relationship to Christ and the scripture. The Lord allowed me to serve women in my home church. After 18years, I was relieved of that ministry. It was a very difficult time and some smarting words were said that have left the questions I mentioned earlier. I withdrew from participating in ministry for a season and then served assisting a young man in our children's ministry. But, due to age and the inability to stay up late, have minimized this outlet.
I was asked to participate in the women's discipleship program as an assistant and am excited yet leery that I might overstep my bounds. Also, was asked to help out in our retreat. Now this is where the feelings get ignited again. In our training we are to come alongside the hurting ladies and encouraged them. If, they need further help we were given a list of people to counsel them, my name was not on the list. To add to this, one of my daughters have been staying with for while working and then returning home on weekends. She is so unhappy, a very private person, and angry. Of course, I thought her anger was towards me. After a certain event I changed my mind, but it has been a long 3 months. What transpired to change my mind was, I believe, God allowing me see this through His eyes and a time when I felt, right or wrong, that if I had a broken leg and arm, my husband would wheel me to work in chair. I don't know if this relates to her story or not. But, she was offered another months work. When I took her to her ride to work, she apologized for her behavior and knowing her as well as I do was about to cry. So, later that day, I need to ask our manager if she could stay another month. Then I called and left her a message. As I was talking it struck me that even though she could stay, she wanted to home with her husband and rightly so. So, the Spirit helped me to say to her, "you can stay, but you are so unhappy here, why not say you can't and due to the circumstances you are quitting and staying home." She called later that night and relieved and sounded my normal girl. She is quitting her temp job. It broke my heart to see her so sad. Now, I know what I told her to do is a lie, but I think much like I felt with my husband is hope she felt. I really do not believe my husband meant to communicate that nor do I believe my girls husband meant to have been communicating this. either. Maybe that is why in I Peter 3:6 God tells women to "do what is right without fear." He knows we fear disobeying or hurting our mates feelings.
I can serve these ladies, serve my bible study leader, and send the retreat ladies to other women. Not an issue. The problem is me, my thoughts and feelings. Lord what am I to learn? You have been so faithful to pull me through all that I went through. You are sovereign, nothing slips past you. Help me to line up my thoughts and feelings to your Will and calling. I don't like feeling this way.
Esther experienced God providence by being in the right place at the right time to save her people, the Jews. However, these also are god's people and He promised they would not be annihilated. Ironically, Haman's judgement was on the iinstrument he had built to hang Mordecai. As for me an my times this past few weeks, I know God is with me. I know He cares. I know that nothing comes my way without first going through His Hands. I do not wan to be fatalistic, so whether this was His design for my growth or not, He has promised to use all tough times to bring Him glory. Regardless of the circumstances of these events, painful or not, the issue is how do I handle them. Lord help me and give me strength to respond in a Christlike manner even if my heart is broken. How else will He be glorified than to demonstrate to others to yield to His Will, work and molding.
Some what like Esther as she entered the doorway of the king, she did not know if she would live or die. God intervened and her people were able to protect themselves, Haman was hung on his own gallows, and Mordecai was promoted. In thee final analysis God's people win when they do what is right without fear not desiring that others be harmed in any way.
Unless the seed die it cannot bear fruit. I need to die to self so that Christ's light will shine through me purer. May these events bear much fruit for my Lord and His Kingdom.
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